Re: Doom II: Hell on Earth *LET'S PLAY!*

[Uzi-Bazooka]

It's not enough that we have vuvuzelas in the media and in the World Cup, now we have to have them in video games. Sad, really.

[These are my saturdays]

That's actually a mod of the Doom Rickroll mod.

MOD MODS

[Uzi-Bazooka]

My brother and I got this cool source port called Skulltag yesterday. Ever heard of it? It's based off of zDoom but is basically designed for multiplayers. They've got new levels, new ways to play, and a convenient built-in way to do multiplayers (instead of zDoom, where we had to tinker with it for weeks and install a third-party program.) Very cool. Capture-the-Flag mode is the best thing ever.
It also has single player levels, but every website I've been on except for one says they were terrible. The one website that said they were good? That would be the Skulltag official website.

[These are my saturdays]

Gasp


Skulltag.

Too much sh** on it. I like DWANGO emulating Doom Networkers. Skulltag is just too gimmicky.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Well, enough chit-chat. I have to go through this door. What will be inside? A legion of Hell Knights? A corps of demons? A gander of Imps?


Ooh, the exit! Let's check out my stats! Let's see, I got...
Oh...
Oh, dear...
I don't want to talk about this.
Man, I feel like my spirits have really been...


...CRUSHED!


Okay, as an Interior Decorator and a Marine Merchandiser, there are some SERIOUS problems with the lighting in here. The darkness, the one little line of white? No. This is seriously harshing my mellow. That mellow is harshed. It's like that mellow got fed straight up the bone bulge by that harshness (whatever the heck that means.)


Great. Juuuust great. I know what's happening here. I'll get up close and comfy to these pillars and then some big ol' vicious monster is gonna jump out and bite my kneecaps off. I see how it goes.


WOAH HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THAT THING?!


It's a Revenant. A once-dead demon who was given some rockets and sent off to fight again. Capable of shooting massive homing rockets and...


...punching? Is this guy seriously PUNCHING me? What is this, a boxing match? Who am I, Rocky Balboa?
No, yer a bum!
Shut up, Sean.


Crap, he killed me while I was distracted by his punching. But, on the plus side, in the background, if you look carefully, you can see him killing a zombie. There must have been some friendly fire goin' on. Tee-hee!


The second time around, I kill him with no trouble. I'm sorry I didn't get any really good screenshots of him, but it's hard when you're being FREAKING BEATEN UP BY APOLLO FRAKING CREED!


My little brother requested for me to comment on the lamp. Well, it's always good to be nice to your siblings, so...


..There you have it.
What do you mean you wanted me to "say something funny about it"!? I'm killing Hellspawn here! Do you think I really have time to comment on the interior decorating of the spaceport I'm fighting in? What, should I bill myself as "The Marine Merchandiser?!" Should I complain about people "harshing my mellow?" Well, forget it. Honestly, a manly man like me, acting like a freaking valley girl.
The very idea!

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Also, it's true about the Skulltag gimmicky-ness. I like it, but I don't do all of the random crap. I mean, I'll use the new weapons if they're the best things available, and I really, REALLY love Capture the Flag, but I don't go in for bots or "Buckshot mode" or "base skins" or all of that weird crap. Down that road lies madness.

[These are my saturdays]

I can't wait until you get to Tricks and Traps.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Oh, yeah. I've already got some plans for that one. I'm going to try to make it spectacular. As opposed to the rest of this crap, which is just random, un-funny mutterings.
And I don't care if you guys are getting tired of the whole "interior decorator" joke! I still think it's funny!

[Uzi-Bazooka]

There's a real nice door here, but I can't go through it yet. Why not? WHAT INEFFABLE FORCE COULD POSSIBLY BE STOPPING ME FROM OPENING THIS DOOR?! Or is it merely effable? Either way, looks like I'm stuck.
Fortunately, there's a nearby elevator. I head downwards.


Where my crosshair is pointing, there are tons of Imps throwing fireballs at me. There are more to the left. In a green slime river below, lots of demons are roaming around. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I think I see...
Oh no...
Please, not that...


Oh, great. The Spider Mastermind. She (yes, she) was the final boss of Doom one (hence the "Mastermind.") She's used fairly often throughout this game.
You can't tell, since I'm far away (I'm not getting close to her), but she is huge. She makes the Hell Knights look like insects. She's armed with a Super-Chaingun.
Uh-oh, she's noticed me!


As Dangeresque once said: OWWWW!!! OWW OWW OWW OWW OWW!


Die, load game, try again.
There's a switch right by the elevator. Let's see what it does.


A-ha! A huge crusher! That's probably why the level's called The Crusher. Maybe it will kill her completely!


Uh-oh, it's coming back up! And she's not dead!
Oh, it's going back down. Apparently it will take several crushes to kill her.


Well, I'll back into this convenient nook and maybe I'll be safe.


OW! Safe from her, but not from those Imps. Unfortunately, my worthless hitscan weapons can't reach that far, and I'm not going to waste a rocket on them. I need to find another weapon.
Suddenly, I hear it. A loud explosion and a puff of gore. The Spider Mastermind is dead at last!

[Strong Vader]

carefree_victory.mp3

[The Wheelchair]

Brain in a spider
No, a robot spider, fool.
Going to kill you.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Hiding in a nook
While Spider meets The Crusher
Kill it! Kill it dead!

[Uzi-Bazooka]

I need to make my way back to the Crushing platform to see if there's cool stuff there now. But first I gotta take out these demons. At least the Super Shotgun works on THEM... Demons aren't particularly strong. Why? Isn't it obvious? THEY'RE PINK, PEOPLE!


I'll just have to be fast enough to not get squished like Miz Mastermind. That means NO STANDING AROUND TAKING A BUNCH OF SCREENSHOTS. I must look like a friggin' tourist.

Do I get a prize for being the only LET'S PLAY that features Scribble Mode? Twice, even?


This is all that's left of the once-mighty Spider Mastermind. We should mourn for the loss of this great creature.
NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH! I KILLED YOU DEA-AD!


And look at my reward! A futuristic candy bar! No, wait, I mean-A PLASMA GUN!
This big weapon can melt through imps, demons and zombies like they were butter. It also takes down big monsters like Hell Knights, Revenants or even The Spider Mastermind without too much trouble! This guy is amazing and thus deserves an amazing name.
Now how am I gonna go with this? I always like to have alliteration, but what names have "Pl" in them? Pleter? No...Plarkinson? No...
Wait, I've got it! Indulging my inner nerd, his name shall be...
PALPATINE PLASMA GUN!


I'm amazed that I wasn't crushed while I thought through all that. Bluh Bluh.
Still--nowhere to go but up!


A quick jump from the elevator takes me to this little platform. It's a pretty nice platform, actually! Nobody can reach me here. I could just stay here and live the rest of my life out in peace and quiet...


But I can't resist big, glowly switches. MY PRECIOUS!


Hey! It lowered an elevator! And health! Looks like all I have to do is run down there...


Ow, oh-oh crap. I got pushed off by a bunch of Imps, who were also let out by that switch. Curse you, Switch! You're a traitor! I hate you, Switch, you and everyone who ever liked you!
(Actually, I just realized that that sentence applies to someone ELSE who goes by Switch...)
But I digress.


DIE, GRESS! Time to see what Palpatine can do!
Oh, yes.
OH YES OH YES OH YES! No more shuffling through dark corridors and wading through questionable liquids for THIS Marine! SUCK HOT PLASMA SCUMBAGS!


I feel good about this.


Ooh, look! A warp! Maybe it will take me back to my Nook and Switch!


Eh, close enough.


Cool beans! The cages where the Imps were have lots of ammo for my new best friend. Or maybe they're full of car batteries? Better take a few, in either case.


I go up the elevator and pick up the health. Crap. A big dark room. I bet there's gonna be tons of stuff in here.

WILL THERE BE? WILL UZI AND PALPATINE MAKE IT IN TIME? WILL I EVER SHUT UP? TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE EXCITING CONCLUSION NEXT UPDATE OF DOOM II: HELL ON EARTH *LET'S PLAY!*

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Well, I'm trying to update, but the stupid image hosting website is breaking on me. Just hold on while I try to fix things.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

WE NOW RETURN TO THE EXCITING CONCLUSION NEXT UPDATE OF DOOM II: HELL ON EARTH *LET'S PLAY*, ALREADY IN PROGRESS:


-luylu! I mean, what is up with that weirdo? That crap is MESSED UP.


Anyway, there don't seem to be any monsters here that I haven't already killed from afar. So that's nice, I guess. Oh, and hey! A soulsphere!


Going back to the original room, I found a new opening that had...well, opened. Now I'm trying to get Ye Flask. And, in this game, I can! Because of the graphics to help me out! How convenient!


DEeeeeeeEEP...and WIIIiiiiiiiiide! DeeeEEEEEEp...and WIIiiiiiIIIIIIDE! There's a big fat door that's deep and wide!


I refuse to say anything about that lamp. I will not be pigeonholed. Chickenholed, maybe. Donutholed certainly. But pigeonholed? Never.


Imps! Bodybuilder Imps, it looks like. Check out those ripped abs! And that sharpie marker in his hand! I bet those two things are definitely NOT related!


This poor Imp has clearly died of tetanus. So it makes perfect sense for me to put the same thing that killed him ON MY HEAD. Along with MORE OF THEM. Perfect sense.
Bluh Freaking Bluh.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Here's something interesting. Take a look at the size of the shotguns these guys are holding. Measure them with a ruler if you want.


Now compare them to this. Now, here's my question: if the forces of Hell have shotguns that can magically grow,why don't they USE the big ones and DROP the little ones? It just goes to show that zombies are idiots.


Look at the status bar face. I'm either looking quizzically at something or I'm really, really, REALLY constipated. It would explain the blood at least...
What, I'm playing Doom! Where you expecting CLEAN humor?


You put the fact that this door is green instead of tan out of your mind.


What a strange-looking object. I wonder what it could be.
A switch?! A light-up switch?! Man, that's just nasty.

[Sam Fissure]

Yeah, that face probably is Switch.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Okay, Sam, your comment made me laugh so hard that I nearly shorted out my computer by spitting water all over it. Nice, man. You've just been promoted to Lodestar Uzi.

[Sam Fissure]

Benefits?

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Dental. Not free dental work, just the word dental. You now have the benefit of the word "Dental." Isn't that great?

[These are my saturdays]

What, I'm playing Doom! Where you expecting CLEAN humor?

Yeah the id guys were always a bit disturbed. Except for Tom Hall and that's kind of why he got fired.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Yeah, it's true.
(For those of you who don't know what we're talking about, Tom Hall was the guy who originally came up with the idea for Doom. He wanted to add character attributes, story, personalized weapons, scoring systems, things like that. As he put it, he felt like he "wanted a reason for the person to go through the levels, rather than [just flipping] a switch.")

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Another disturbingly green door.
That's really all I want to say about this one.


A long, windy staircase. How fun! I'll just mosey up this here walkway here...


Mein Laven! Actually, this would be a lot more scary if any of them were actually facing TOWARDS ME.


That wall section is very conspicuous. The one with the lightning bolt on it? That's different from every other section of wall in this base? I wonder what happens if I open it...


Awesome! A Mega Sphere! Two hundred percent armor and two hundred percent health. And these enemies can be quickly dispatched via the use of barrels.
Or, in layman's terms, KABLOOIE!


No freaking way. Call the freaking news because this a freaking newsflash. It's like so freaking unbelievable what's going up all in here.


Zombie...it's what's for dinner!
OR:
Zombie: the other Red Meat.
OR...
{Keep it going, people!}


Tum Tiddly Um Pum Tum..why do I have that song stuck in my head?


Oh, dang. This would be considered bad by most people. What do you say, Palpatine?
"Once more, the Sith will rule the galaxy!"
Um, what?
"Live, my apprentice. Live!"
What was that?
"Sigh...let's just kill them, okay?"


This may be the best screenshot ever.


"All is as I have forseen."

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Ah, The Law of Convenience. Never convenient; always lawful. Or awful, at least.


Oh, boy. A Lost Soul. After a night of seriously heavy drinking, one of the Hellish fiends thought, "Heeeyyy...what'f ah could fly arrround? W'dn't that be just greeeeat?" (Misspellings are intentional, he is drunk after all.) He apparently decided the best thing to do was to light his head on fire like a rocket engine. Unfortunately, his skull was so pickled by then, it burst into flame completely, also frying his remaining brain cells. The result is a dumb flying thingie that tries to bite you.


What's it doing? Is it scared? Oh, that's okay, little fella, I won't-


HOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAAAAP!
Actually, as much as I enjoy faking scaredness for this particular LET'S PLAY, the Lost Souls can be dispatched with a single shot from my friend Sean. Also, if you shoot them in mid-charge, they stop.
Really, it takes a lot to scare-


AAAAAAAAAHH! Man, that thing is creepy! It's like the Jibblies Painting all over again!
Come on in heeeere!
A-jiblliejibbliejibblie. I need to make this thing less creepy.


I hope you're not feeling under-appreciated or anything, Chester.


There. Mustache and goatee make everything better. Although now he kinda looks like Maxim Horvath.


IMP 1: "Raarrr! Where is he? I don't see him!"
IMP 2: "Me neither-maybe over to the left."
SEAN: "Oh, boys! Did y't'ever 'cur t'ye that maybe there was a hookum helly-un'd'r un'd'r ye?"
IMP 1: "Um, what?"
UZI: BLAMMO!


Man, how did they get those to stand up so perfectly in line with each other? OCD IMPS MAN I AM TELLING YOU.


And they say Doom has too much graphic violence! Pfft!


I dub thee, Sir Hellacious of the Poisonous Black Table! You just gotta wonder what on Earth they were thinking when they called these guys "Hell Knights." That's prolly why my Dad likes to call them the "Pillsbury Goat Boys."


Hey, get outta here! Personal bubble! PERSONAL BUBBLE!


"See? Uzi's hand isn't giant, it's just in the foreground!"


And bang, boom, boom, these guys are DEAD!

[Falcon Paunch]

Kewl.

[Sponsored content]