Doom II: Hell on Earth *LET'S PLAY!*

[Uzi-Bazooka]

I can't believe that Disk allowed me to do one of these. I think I may be in heaven. Or, rather, since I'm playing Doom II, I guess I'm in Hell.
Here's the story, basically. In Doom 1 you are a tough n' cool space marine stationed in a base on Mars. The scientists there were messing with teleportation and ended up creating portals to Hell. Anyone with a lick of sense would've stopped right there, but they thought that it was cool and scientific and stuff so they decided to keep experimenting. But then the monsters killed everyone (or turned them into zombies) and the only one left was also, coincidentally, the one who had paid money for the game.
In Doom II, after destroying those sons of mancubi, the marine returns home, only to find that the monsters have now invaded Earth. Since this guy didn't have anything else planned for the weekend, he decided to invade the spaceport and allow the survivors to escape...to Mars (probably poor planning on somebody's part.)
Anyhoo, I have to point out that I am not playing the original Doom II. Why? That was designed for Windows 98. My computer is Windows 7 Premium Plus. What I AM playing is called zDoom, which is the original game with some new features added (like the ability to jump, or aim.)

Well, let's get this train wreck a-rolling.

[These are my saturdays]

Uzi I love you.

[The Wheelchair]

Oh, sure, the evil admin gets to have all the fun.

[These are my saturdays]

Wheelie. Sam And Max. Let's Play. Make it happen.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Well, let's start it up. The Granddaddy of first person shooters. Hopefully the beginning will be...


...Totally breathtaking.
Well, yeah, it's uber-pixellated, but still. I'm totally taking down that logo! Oh, and the demon, too. Didn't see him there.


For those of you unfamiliar with the interface, here's the skinny. That head there is my handsome face. If I get hurt, it'll start to bleed. The health, ammo, and armor are nicely labeled, and the box to the right lists my weapons. Looks like I just start off with weapon number two, a pistol (weapon number one is fists.) Since those two zombies don't seem to be paying any attention, why don't I took a look...


...a nook look. Apparently it's a beautiful day here on Earth. I was expecting, like, burning skies. At least, that's what the weatherman told me. I guess those guys are never right, huh?


Oh, Sterrance. This...is...
a really big safety hazard. These guys just left a chainsaw lying around? Really? somebody could get hurt! I'd better take it for...um...safekeeping.


Armed with Chester the Chainsaw, I set off to kill me some zombies. Who still haven't noticed me. I bet they're listening to their iPods.


THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR LISTENING TO YOUR iPOD WHILE ON DUTY, SOLDIER! Just for that, I'm stealing your two clips. Somehow, I knew that there would be paperclips in the apocalypse. Oh, wait, that's ammo. Never mind.



Oh, child! More zombies! And they don't seem to be quite as, ahem, unobservant as their counterparts.

[The Wheelchair]

Wheelie. Sam And Max. Let's Play. Make it happen.

I'm... not sure that's really possible with a game like Sam & Max, but heck, why not?

[These are my saturdays]

You just need screenshot's right? You could do it.

(Also Uzi, those logo comment were hilarious)

[The Wheelchair]

You just need screenshot's right? You could do it.

(Also Uzi, those logo comment were hilarious)

I could! I think I'll start tomorrow with Culture Shock!

Also, bravo, Uzi.

[These are my saturdays]

Oh hey you fixed some pictures and werdz. I thought that some things looked a bit off.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Shut up! I'm working here!


Maybe if I hide here they won't notice me. Wait, are they dancing in their friends' entrails? That's just wrong! Those guys were nice! Jerks!

DIE JERKS!!! FRIENDSHIP FOR-EVA!!!

Phew. Well, that was, in a disturbing way, fun, but I don't have time to dance a victory jig. I have to leave my friends behind. Because my friends don't dance, and if my friends don't dance, then they ain't no friends of mine...
Okay, musical moment over. Next picture.


Um...I have nothing witty to say. Not even with the rusty pipes. Nothing. I'm just gonna turn the corner here and...


HOLY MOTHER OF PIZZABURGERS. It's an Imp. Don't be fooled by the fact that these guys look like pretzel sticks. In no way are they salty or delicious. That orange sphere of doom? That's a fireball. Almost as bad as their claws, but not quite. This guy is going to take more than just Chester the Chainsaw. This calls for Pappy the Pistolero.


After killing the Imp and one of his zombie friends, I hear strange roaring coming from the right. So, ignoring the cool blue things in front of me, and the promising nook to the left, I head like an idiot straight into danger.


One imp? Really? Maybe I should've chosen a harder difficulty. Still, nothing in this world would make me play in Nightmare mode, where the effing monsters RESPAWN. I have now wasted 7 whole bullets on two imps and a zombie. This cannot be allowed to stand, so I head back to the cool looking blue things.


Suh-weet! Alcohol! This could be better than Wodka-
Oh, wait. That's just those magical potions from Hell that give you health even past one hundred percent. Man, I got ripped off. Still, it can't hurt, right? I'll just take 'em all.


Now I'm headin' back to that nook. UAC is the company that was farting around with teleportation. I don't remberwhat it stands for. CONTEST THYME: Make up an acronym for UAC. Oh, and now I shall open the door. I'm sure that there'll be, like, a single zombie or half an imp or a


...
...
...
Pair of imps and a fifth-score of zombies. This does not look good for Homestar Runner.


I end up wasting 26 bullets on those two, more than half my starting amount (before picking up clips.) But how can I get those zombies? They're way up high, and Doom II doesn't let you aim...
...but zDoom does!


After fiddling around with the options (which it wouldn't let me take screenshots of) I get a cool crosshair. Suh-weet! Die zombie scum!

[These are my saturdays]

Was that a Safety Dance joke? This is automatically better than mine. Way better.



"UAC: Unethical Alien Creation Inc."

[These are my saturdays]

Also, this LP should be called "Doom II Hell on Earth Let's Play: I'm a man and a half!"

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Now, I know that one of these switches unlocks an awesome secret and the other just lowers those platforms. If I lower the platforms, I lower the switches, so I want to hit the correct one. After doing what all Manly Marines would do in a situation like this (eeny-meeny-miney-moe) I choose lefty.


Boy, that platform was up to my chin a second ago. Crap! Wrong one!


(Please imagine sad violin music playing.)
Oh, sweet switch that was here a second ago. I barely knew thee. If I had chosen thee, I could've simply hit this button and you would have-
CHUNK! WHIRRRR!
What was that?


Okay, so the 3D in this game is worse than I thought. You can hit the switch AFTER it goes down. Oh, and it got me a stylish T-shirt! That is just FABULOUS! Also, health. Health is a good thing.


Well, I guess it's back to the grindstone. Back to the misery and the terror. Back to the murder and the mayhem. Questions pour over me. Will it ever end? Will I be able to save the survivors? And...


...who did this carpet? Seriously, you just can't get florescent blue carpet these days. Now you guys know why Disk always complains that first-person shooters aren't colorful enough.


Oh, right. Back to killing stuff. Right.
I head back to where I wasted seven bullets and prepare to push onwards. The carpet here is nowhere near as good. Somebody should fix it.
That's it! That'll be my mission! I will both save the Earth AND improve interior decorating! I am UZI-BAZOOKA, MARINE MERCHANDISER!!
Now that my quest has true meaning, I will set forth and-


WaaaAAaah! Fireballs! It's too dark for y'all to tell, but there are THREE imps in this room! And I'm stuck with Pappy the Pistolero. Maybe I can find some cool weapons behind me...


FOUR imps?! This is the hardest this game has been all minute! This calls for STRATEGY.


So I back up into the hall and take them on one by one. It works pretty well, and soon they're all dead.


I head back into the room and take the elevator. Fortunately, the power to the muzak seems to have been cut out. Thank goodness. Hey, this wall looks suspicious. I think it may actually be a door. Only one way to find out-


Remember what I said about claws? And about Pappy Pistolero being a crappy weapon? This is how to combine those two facts into one amazingly bad idea. This calls for a weapon with bravery. A weapon with tenacity.


But it looks like I'm stuck with Chester the Chainsaw. Actually, it works quite well. Chester is officially cooler than Pappy.


I hit the switch and it tells me that A SECRET IS REVEALED. Well, that's good to know. I wonder where the secret is.


I jump down off the elevator and sustain no injuries whatsoever. Maybe that stuff I drank was good for me after all. Oh, hey! Maybe that secret unlocked real alcohol now! I head back to that room with Chester at my side. Good ol' trusty Chester.


Chester who?
OHMYGOSHOHMYGOODNESSOHMYGRAPEJUICE. The Rocket Launcher! I'll name you Rockefeller. Rockefeller Rocket Rauncher. Er, launcher. Launcher.

[These are my saturdays]

This is the voice I read these captions in.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

So, newly armed with Rockefeller the Rocket Launcher, I set out through this cozy little nook. I'm not worried about anything that might be behind it...until I see that Rocky here only has two rockets to start. Still, I'm using him for his coolness potential.


Immediately a crowd of Imps begin moving towards me. I have no idea what they were doing out here. There's water...maybe they were taking a bath. Or going to the beach. That's it-they were having a beach party. That's why they're all topless. I step down from these stairs


Heck of a time to tell me this, Interface.


I let loose with my two rockets, and the game automatically switches me to my Pistol. Well, I'm not that desperate yet. Time for Chester to once again not suck.


Take a look at these last few images. What do you notice about them? That's right, I have lost ZERO health during this whole mess. This calls for a celebration. This calls for...
(dun-dun-DUUUN!)
The shotgun! While nowhere near as powerful as Rockefeller, it's infinitely times more practical. And more actually having ammo to start off with. I need to think of a name. The first thing that comes to mind that starts with "sh" is a very rude word. The second is a girl's name. The third is...SEAN, THE IRISH SHOTGUN! I pick up Sean and head for the exit.


Okay, either the doors in this place have intestines creeping across them, or somebody was trying to draw an airlock AND FAILED. MISERABLY. And even then, it's more colorful than the games you get these days.


Yikes! An imp appears right in front of me! Sean not only kills him in one shot, but launches him halfway across the room. Granted, the room is pathetically small, but still. And there is also a ridiculous amount of health. You can't go wrong with a ridiculous amount of health. There is also a single clip. You only WISH you could go wrong with a clip. Friggin' worthless Pappy the Pistol. I hit the switch and exit the level.


My stats come as I listen to the coolest music ever. Can you believe this only took me 4 minutes and 50 seconds? And that somebody did it in 30 seconds? Unfortunately, I did not get all the secrets. You guys don't mind, right? Right?


Well, it's too late for that even if you did. I'm heading to level 2, suckers! Underhalls, here I come!

[Uzi-Bazooka]

And now, a few Comments, since I've uploaded all my screenshots for the time being.
DISK: I'm honored that you imagine that as my voice, but let's be serious. Can you imagine that guy saying stuff like
"WaaaAAaah!"
Or
"Oh, and it got me a stylish T-shirt! That is just FABULOUS!"
Or even
"Seriously, you just can't get florescent blue carpet these days."

You know what I think would be funny? You know how kids' menus at restaurants always have those weird alliterative characters on them? The pizza joints with, like, Mighty Mushroom (he's a fun guy! Get it?) And sometimes they have little comics.
Imagine one with these gun names I'm making up. The Adventures of Chester Chainsaw in Hell!
Chester would be the main character, of course. Sean would be his wise old Irish Grandfather who calls him "laddie." And then Rockefeller would be, like, this huge burly guy who would always be trying to pick on/shoot rockets at Chester. However, Rockefeller always runs out just in time. And then Pappy Pistolero would be this whiny little Mexican guy that nobody listens to. Ever. Not once even.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

On to Level 2.

More zombies listening to more iPods. Maybe there will, once again, be something awesome to the left.


Yup. It's not quite Chester the Chainsaw, but it's all right, I s'pose.


Apparently, I pick things up very loudly. Woke a zombie up. How do you pick something up loudly anyway? Maybe I got the potion, slurped it down, burped, and threw the bottle at the back of his head. That was probably it. That also explains why the other two remain oblivious.


And they remained oblivious to the end. Hey, wait a minute?! Where's my crosshair? This cannot be allowed to stand!


There we go. I should probably name this crosshair. How about Xavier?
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.


I run over to the door. Hey, I think it's smirking at me! It's like that little stripy mouth is saying "Oh, look at me, I'm in your way! And you can't shoot me because I'm a sprite object! Ha!"
THAT JUST MAKES ME SO ANGRY! HAVE AT IT, CHESTER!
GRANNNGRGRGRERGEGARGAEGRGERGERGEGRERG!!!!


Yes, I did just carve my initials into the door. Thank you for asking. You want to be next?

[Strong Vader]

It would be so hilarious if the last 20% of "Secrets" involved giving a certain dog a turquoise-colored "cheese" sandwich so that you can...never mind.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Actually, I know where the last secret is. It's a sneaky little NOOK (yay nooks) near the place you get the shotgun.

[These are my saturdays]

It would be so hilarious if the last 20% of "Secrets" involved giving a certain dog a turquoise-colored "cheese" sandwich so that you can...never mind.

Lousy Gorram Stupid Text Adventure.

[These are my saturdays]

Fanart

[Strong Vader]

Sean the Shotgun sounds like some perverted kids' TV show.

[These are my saturdays]

Logan's Gun sounds like a porno rip off of Logan's Run.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Nice Sean the Shotgun, Disk.
NEW UPDATE TODAY MAYBE!!!

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Well, enough with torturing the door. Now let's torture the inhabitants. What? It's empty?! Man, I shoulda picked a harder difficulty level-


AAH! They were hiding in a nook! I'M supposed to be the only one who gets to hide in nooks! Good thing I have 106% health, though.


Yikes! The red vision means I just got shot. It is a BAD THING, BOYS AND GIRLS, and so is the blood splatter. This zombie is tougher than the rest. He actually has a shotgun instead of just a wimpy pistol. I'll have to take him down.
I do that, but I can't take his ammo since he's apparently in a red cage. I'll need the red key to get in there. I turn a handy corner into...


Another shotgunner! Man, these guys are annoying. Brought me down to 76 Health even.


Near that last shotgunner is a computer monitor. I can't understand it. It seems to be speaking gibberish. This frustrates me. My therapist said that I should take deep breaths to ease frustration.


GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIPANDTEARANDRIPANDTEARANDRIPANDTEAR!!!!


I chainsaw'd the therapist, too. I should probably move out instead of messing with computer terminals. Maybe I can actually make Par this time.


Oh, wait! I forgot to comment on the carpet! Well, where I'm standing is metal. The actual carpeted part is...well...
It's brown.
And, wait, is that water? Why is there water in here, anyway? And more to the point, can I drown zombies in it?


No such luck. It's, like, maybe half a centimeter deep. There's a tunnel I opened earlier. Let's see where it goes.


what a surprise it's a zombie. You'd think these guys would be more creative.


Two zombies does not creativity make. There's a cozy looking little nook there, though.


And now we have yet another shotgunner in yet another nook. Why are all these guys dressed the same? Are these, like, OCD zombies? They even have the blood spatters in the same place. Now that is organization! Oh, wait. Maybe they're wearing that fake not-made-of-cloth crap. Un-thread for the un-dead maybe. That pun took so long to set up...


I have all ready mentioned the hellish health potions (or hellth potions, if you prefer.) These are, according to the manual, hellish armor potions. Apparently I'm supposed to put a rusty, glowing helmet on my head. On top of two other rusty. glowing helmets. In reality, this is a terrible idea, but in Doom, it's probably smart somehow.


Holy mackerel! A shotgunner NOT IN A NOOK! And behind me, even! Of course, Sean still gets him in one go, but still! Pretty impressive, eh, Sean?
O, aye, but where'd he mutter a lam' a dram' a shoht'n heimer?
Yeah, Irish people are weird.


Well, this is what was behind the massive UAC door. This may look like a lot...


...but Sean the awesome manages to take them down in three shots. One down the left, one down the middle, and one down the right. And that shotgun that the middle guy dropped is probably worth, like, 5 ammo.


...Or two. Jerks. It's like he was TRYING to waste ammo. Not like me. I waste it on accident (So you don't have to!)


Can you guess how many shots I used on these guys? ONE. And then I got 5 more ammo. I don't think anything could be better than this here shotgun. The only thing better than a shotgun is...


...a bigger shotgun. Specifically, a DOUBLE-BARRELED shotgun. What shall I call you? Well, in the game, when I pick it up, it calls it a super-shotgun. Many fans simply call it the Double-Barreled Shotgun. And the manual calls it a combat shotgun.
I'll call him Danny, the Double-barreled shotgun from Dublin (it's a pun if you say it out loud!) HE and Sean can be...cousins. It's important to remember facts like these when you make the Doom II Let's Play wiki.


More computers. I can almost make the left one out. It says "UAC BASE" and under that something about a tenor and then a bunch of other crap I can't read. Oh, I know! They're having an audition for a glee club! They already have a BASS and they need a TENOR, and the rest of that is people who have signed up. Man, who knew zombies cared about glee clubs. Maybe that's why they're all listening to their iPods.
IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER.


Armed with Danny, I goeth forth unto the great unknown.


Okay, you can't tell in this picture, but this is a difficult room. There are about twenty guys total shoved into those little alcoves, and there's more just to the left of this photo, where you can't see. But the red key's here, so I'll just have to take it like a man.


These are the guys to the left, deceased.


These are the guys in the first alcove, deceased. I hope nobody cares that I'm leaving all these dead bodies around. I'd worry about ruining the carpet, but since this part of the base seems to have no carpet, I guess I'm okay.


Once upon a time, getting up here required an annoying and complicated running move. But that was before zDoom, where they give you the awesome, unbelievable power to...


...jump! Okay, for those of you who aren't active doom players, any nice thing you really want in the middle of nowhere with nobody around it is a trap. This is always the case. Watch, I'll pick this up, and then bad guys will swarm out of nowhere.


Ta-da! Case in point.


Ow! Now, do you see that ugly pink thang? Hairless, vile, demonic eyes, headed straight towards me with murder on its mind? No, it's not your mother-in-law, it's a demon! Really, that's it's name, a Demon. They just run up to you and try to bite your head off. They're pretty stupid but pretty strong. I think the other guys probably use them as pack animals or something.


Remember how I said my face would get bloody as I lose health? Take a look now.


And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the best kind of demon: a dead one.

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