Re: Doom II: Hell on Earth *LET'S PLAY!*

[These are my saturdays]

What key do you use to take screenshots? I bound the screenshot command to "e" but I don't know if Doom has as sophisticated a console. If it even HAS a drop down console, or even a second screen debug menu.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

I just hit the print screen button (right above the insert button on most keyboards) and it automatically saves them. It's cool like dat.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

This time, I checked the secrets in advance. And right about here should be...


Ta-da! Another stylish T-shirt! This'll go great with my green T-shirt and my seven or so rusty helmets of tetanus-flavored doom. I must be wearing, like, seven layers of clothes.


Also in this secret room is this. It may look like a pair of pizza boxes stacked on top of each other, but look closer. See the satanic symbols? Well, I don't know of any satan-themed pizza joints, so it must b-
Wait, that's it! That would be EXACTLY the kind of place to have Sean Shotgun and Chester Chainsaw on their kids' menus. Satan's Pizza: Where the customer is always wrong.
Anyway, but this is something else entirely. This, my friends, is a teleport, usually called a warp. This is how those monsters got here in the first place. I wonder where it leads...


Back to the beginning. How boring. Still, now maybe I can open the red cage.


Yup, I can, and that switch opens a new tunnel. Cool beans. I bet that there will be two nooks, one shotgun zombie and two pistol carriers.


And I was exactly right. All these freaking tunnels are the same, man! Still, I bet these nooks hold good stuff...


Oh no. Maybe the other nook-


Oh, come on! I wanna go into the nooks! I guess I'll just have to take my business elsewhere.


Ah, radioactive barrels. Explosion city. Actually, it never says that they're radioactive. Maybe they're actually filled with diet coke, and my guns shoot mentos bullets. Yeah, I bet that's it. Either way, they kill that shotgunner and I move on.


Ow! Fortunately, there are more barrels. I love barrels. So why don't you marry one? Hey now, Danny, that's not legal in the United States. Maybe in Nevada, but not in America.


Just as I'm exploding the last barrels, I get hit with a fireball! My face (the bloody one) is looking to the right, so it must've come from there.

WILL THE MARINE MERCHANDISER MAKE IT IN TIME? WILL HE EVER SUCCEED IN HIS QUEST TO RESTORE PEACE AND INTERIOR DECORATING TO PLANET EARTH? AND WILL HIS JOKES EVER START TO BE FUNNY? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT UPDATE OF DOOM II: HELL ON EARTH *LET'S PLAY*

[Uzi-Bazooka]

A-ha! A hole in the ground that appears to be full of imps. I COULD go down and shoot them with honor, but I think I'd rather stay up here. Honor is over-rated anyway, y'know what I mean?


Well, I'm pretty sure I got everyone. Let's jump down and check. VERTICAL NOOK, BABY!


Oh, cool! A blue keycard!


...all by itself...with nobody else near...
Oh no! You know what this means, boys and girls! It's the Rule of Convenience: Nothing in Doom is that Convenient. I pick it up and prepare for the inevitable...


...um, what? There's nothing? No bad guys? How am I supposed to cope?
I NEED TO SHOOT SOMETHING!!!


That barrel should do nicely. Please notice that I am using Pappy Pistolero so that I don't waste ammo from a REAL weapon.


This is the best screenshot ever.


I head to the next room, killing some more guys. How did they even get in here, anyway? It's not like they can open doors.


In fact, how am I able to open doors? There's no handles or anything! They're just big ol flat slabs! And where do I put these keycards?
Man, when I save the world, there are going to be some serious changes to all spaceports. First of all, I'm going to put all the weapons in a nice big pile right by the entrance. Second of all, I'm going to put some freaking HANDLES on the doors. Third of all, I'm going to enhance the Feng Shui. I am not receiving positive qi from this spaceport, are you?


Aww, cute widdle pathetic shotgunnews. Danny blows through these guys like butter. On a barbecue. In July. In Hell. (I want some fan art from this, people!)


Do you think that maybe, just MAYBE, this is the exit?


Well, I WOULD'VE made Par, if a bunch of users hadn't forced me to take screenshots every two seconds of the two seconds! And I'm sure it had nothing to do with my random chainsawing of anything I could get close to. Or my love of exploding barrels.
Please note the 100% Secrets this time around. Which, since I only opened one, is kind of sad actually.


Ah, the Gauntlet. Ah, yes. The Gauntlet. Yes. Yes indeed. Yes indeedly doodely. Um...
What's the gauntlet again?

[These are my saturdays]

Yeah I can imagine it in comic!Doomguy's voice.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

In this level, I'm the star. It's me. Hey, look, it's a little window! What, you don't see it? Well, you have to flip your screen. TURN-WAYS.
Toomuchfreakingmspaintadventuresiseriouslyneedtogetalifeorajoborboth.


Well, looky here! A few zombies, hoping to catch me when I go out the door. Well, I don't have to go that way, man! THIS IS AMERICA! I CAN GO WHATEVER DIGGITY-DANG WAY I WANT!! Except, I can't go out that window. It's too small.


Wait! Doesn't zDoom let you crouch down? It does! Score one for...um...zEbediah zDoom? Yeah, whatever. I'm just going through the window.


This is what it would look like if they ever made Baby Doom (as if ruining the Muppets and Looney Toons wasn't bad enough.) I should go through the whole level this way!


Yeah, sorry, that was a horrible idea.


Hey, another T-shirt! I wonder how I can stand having all these layersn. I'm either incredibly ridiculously bad@$$ or they turned the air conditioning in here way up on high.


It looks like the shotgun zombie and the imp are having marital difficulties. It seems that the Imp wanted her husband to go to a family reunion, but he didn't want to go. Now they're about to tear each other apart. It looks like they need a visit from Danny Dublin, Marriage Counselor Extraordinaire.


DANNY: Now, I think that you two need to just learn to get along.
ISABELLA IMP: Over my dead body!
DANNY: Okay, you're the boss.


It looks like the groom's family showed up to help settle the dispute. Danny understands that the two need privacy.
I SAID PRIVACY, DANG YOU!!!
Some people are so unfeeling.

[Strong Vader]

You know, with all these imps exploding and giving you cool weapons it's only a matter of time before they start giving you grist and you have to build to a gate.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Actually, the imps don't drop weapons. Neither do the demons or anything like that. Only the zombies do. But there are a lot of zombies.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

This is a very important looking elevator. I should definitely go up it and see what is what. I should do this immediately without wasting time on any more shenanigans.


But when have I ever backed down from shenanigans, right? Now it's time to, as I am contractually obligated to do at least once a level, talk about the interior decorating.
No, no, no, what is this? The last time the Brown Rusty Metal Look was cool was during the Industrial Revolution. And their attempts to accent it with green highlights just make it look like somebody puked. And, what is this, TILING? Is this seriously TILING?!
All right, now, and ONLY NOW, am I ready to go up the elevator.

Actually, maybe I'm not ready to go up the elevator yet. Right in front of me, right where the crosshair is, you may or may not be able to see a zombie Commando. These guys are armed with Chainguns. CHAINGUNS, MAN!


There is only one thing to do in a situation like this. It's time to pull out an electric guitar, grow an egregiously long beard, and sing
It's got me under pressure! Meedly-meedly-mee!
Actually, the thing to do is RUN. RUN LIKE A BUNNY OUT OF HELL. Which as a matter of fact...


If only I could get that health. Oh, wait, I can! JUMP!


I head back up. I'm not positive what's happening in this screenshot, but it makes for an awesome picture and a not-so-awesome amount of pain.


Well, that's it. I'm dead. I'm actually dead. I got zero percent health and I'm bleeding like a stuck pig. So long and thanks for all the fish, everybody! This is the end of the Doom II LET'S PLAY. Thank you for 134 Glorious Screenshots.

[Strong Vader]

I WANT MY MONEY BACK YOU SCUMBAG

YOU DIED TOO QUICKLY

gah.

[The Wheelchair]

Why must the good die young!? WHY!!!??? WHYYYYY!!!???

[These are my saturdays]

Guys do not worry. If I get grilled up as xenomorph rape steak I am pressing onward. My Let's Play ends when I kick the a** of every last alien in the boring facility I am drunkly stumbling through.

Uzi, You should press on, BUT 32 LEVELS OF HELL is hard to play without dying. YOUR JOKES WERE STILL HILARIOUS (I am still laughing at the safety dance one)

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Well, folks, I just have one thing to say.
PSYCHE!!
Man, I can't believe you guys actually fell for that! Especially you, Disk (who I suspect was being...IRONIC.)


See, like all good (and several bad) Doom players, I had a savegame. So I can (technically) die as many times as I want with no problems. Plus, now I know what's at the top of the elevator.


Ta-da! Through some intense fighting (which I didn't take screenshots of) plus a cameo appearance from Rockefeller Rocket Rauncher Launcher, I kill everybody who's up here at the moment. And look at my reward-a chaingun!
Finally a good use for that pistol ammo. I still prefer the shotgun, but this baby's good for large groups. Like, bring it to birthday parties. Since I know several of you will probably be ticked off about my being dead prank, I'm going to let you guys choose the name!


Actually, this guy is way too awesome to trust to democracy. His name is Chapman Chaingun.


Hmm. Cool weapons and warps. I'll need to get to those somehow.


Man, more water? Was there, like, a pipe burst in the spaceport? Am I walking in sewage? Or is this that nasty blue mini-golf course water? That you're not supposed to drink. I bet that's how all these guys died. Poor guys.


What the heck? How did he get there?! The plot thickens as his blood cauterizes, but I've got a date with a secret!


Man, I don't want to even tell you how hard it was to get this secret before. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw full wine bottles at my computer screen. Fortunately, now I can just jump right in!


Oh, Terrance. That blue floating head is another weird thing the hellmongers brought in. It gives me one hundred health, even if I already have 100% (200% is the max, though.) I don't know what could be cooler than tha-


An invisibility orb! Man it is like Freaking Christmas all up in here.


Well, that warp took me where I wanted to be (on that platform with the Rocket Launcher.) Now I've got pockets fulla ammo, I'm armed to the teeth and I'm partially invisible. I ain't scared of nothing!


Except what's down there. Man, I hate this part, because there's something worse than demons. Well, several things worse, but there's one thing in particular.
INVISIBLE DEMONS.


Fortunately, my head tells me what direction I'm being attacked from. Where is he?


A-ha! There he is! A dead body landed on top of him. DIE, SUCKER! YOUR MOTHER WAS A MANCIBUS!


So...many...nooks. I can't feel my parts!

[Strong Vader]

Dat nook.

That was unnecessarily dirty and I should feel bad. But I don't.

[These are my saturdays]

SBTF Let's Play meme count: 1

Nooks.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

SBTF Let's Play meme count: 2
Nooks and Naming Weapons (of course Disk only has one weapon so far, but still.)

[These are my saturdays]

Oh yeah forgot about weapon naming. My next gun I will ACTUALLY let my readers name.

e: Actually, I will let the readers name my fourth weapon, two and three will be named Reginald and Beartato.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

I go left and kill some zombies.


I go right and kill some zombies.
Doom II LET'S PLAY: The most exciting thing since staring at carpet for hours on end. Which, as a matter of fact...


Oh, great. Now I'm not invisible. I was totally going to sneak into a hot girl's house! Oh, wait. All the hot girls have probably been turned into zombies.
Actually, where are all the girls? All these zombies are ugly guys. This game is racist! GIRLS DESERVE TO BE MURDERED, POSSESSED, AND FORCED TO PERFORM UNSPEAKABLE ATROCITIES TOO!


All right, back to whatever it was I was doing before.


MUSICAL MOMENT:
I believe I can fly/I believe that I can touch the sky/when some unbelievably cool guy/shoots me down and I have to die/I believe I can flyyyyyy!


Well, where does this door go? ...back where I started? Awww...


Maybe this door will do something interesting.


Nope, it also took me back where I started, but maybe this door will do something.


No, not that one either...


THIS IS REALLY GETTING ME DOWN!!! Anyone who can correctly identify where that quote comes from is officially awesome beyond belief (Hint: *)


Now we're getting somewhere. A warp!


Blue doors that lead to blue doors. Warps that lead to warps. THIS IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF REDUNDANCY AND CIRCULAR REASONING HAD A BABY. I ship Redundancy and Circular Reasoning.


When I'm frustrated, I like to comment on the interior decorating. Check out those glowing green b/w blue lamps, eh? They add a real...ambiance to the place, y'know what I mean? It almost makes up for the mazes, the circular reasoning, the impossible secrets, my death, and the wading through probably-sewage. ALMOST.


This warp actually takes me somewhere FINALLY. Poor, foolish demons running around like idiots. You have no idea what you're about to get into. Tell 'em, Rockefeller.


Um, no. Let's try again...


Missing once is bad luck. Missing twice is embarrassing.


Eventually, I lure them over to a warp so that they end up coming next to me. Then I finally kill them with Danny.
So far, it's not been a real good day for me.

[These are my saturdays]

CURSE YOUR NIGH CONSTANT UPDATES I LOVE YOU

[Strong Vader]

Still updating faster than Wheelie's.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

That's it. I am tired of this level. I'm just going to rush through to the exit without stopping for ammo or cool stuff or to kill people or anything. I just wanna get out of here!


Ooh! Bullets! I can't resist bullets!


Unfortunately, doing that somehow lets out a score of demons and their invisible counterparts. I guess they really liked that ammo box being there. Why? I mean, they can't even use guns! Or get up to the box for that matter. Mehehe! I'm just gonna shoot them from up here.


Poor guy. His right arm is just a shriveled up nub. I bet he always got made fun of on Hell's Playground (right next to the Devil's Playhouse) for being disabled. Now the only thing he knows to do is kill. It almost makes me feel sorry for him.
Danny, of course, has no feelings. This is what makes him such a good marriage counselor.


Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, this is what a dead Inviso-Demon looks like. For those of you who saw the last David Tennant Dr. Who episode: Shimmer!


Okay, in case it isn't ground into your skull yet, always, always, always, always, ALWAYS remember the Rule of Convenience:


NOTHING IN DOOM IS EVER THAT CONVENIENT.


Um...how did those demons get into those little boxes anyway? The only opening was from the top, and demons are not really good at jumping. They can't even climb stairs, in fact. Man, it takes hard work to be that stupid.


Okay, two switches. One activates a nearby elevator, and one opens up a hole in the wall where I am sure more idiots will have gotten themselves stuck somehow. Two switches...and a partridge in a pear treeee!
Oops! I opened up the hole in the wall. This calls for a montage. Please imagine this playing as you watch.






Aw, more rusty helmets. I must look like an idiot.



Okay, I think that I can be reasonably sure that this is the correct switch. Oh, and as the more observant of you none of you will have noticed, I switched back to regular ol' Sean the Shotgun so as to conserve ammo.


Um, that is not where I missed hitting demons with a rocket launcher. That is just a stain. A stain of, um, apple juice.


A demon hiding in the exit? That's just cheap. Cheap like yo' momma's sweatpants.


I only went 22 minutes and 47 seconds over par! Yay...


Focus, man, focus! Pay attention! I'm going to the next level already!

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Ah, so this is level 4. Nice wall pattern, silver with a lovely little dash of green, and the doors are quite nice, too, no more of this big LEGO block stuff. All in all, a cheerful little place to kill time ( and zombies, of course.)


Wow. In the dark, the zombies actually look kind of scary. But still, there's nothing bad about teo pistol-carriers, now is there?


Three shotgunners isn't too bad, either...


Now we have reached the point of badness. Chapman, give 'em the lowdown.


ONE PERCENT HEALTH? This does not look good for Homestar Runner. I need to find some health, quick!


Isn't it a fact of video games that all health is in large white boxes with a red plus on them? From SBCG4AP to Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, and everything in between. Somebody should get a copyright on white boxes with red pluses on them. They'd make a KILLING. Doompun!


Here's a nebulous philosophical question: Am I in a cage, shooting out, or are they in a cage, shooting in?


I'm totally entranced by the movement of this wall-thingy.






BOW BEFORE UZI








Uggghhh...I think I need to puke. Weird...apparently I puke black? What have I been eating?!


A secret door? Puking on the door opens a secret? Wow. Who knew?


Barrels! Yay barrels! Too bad I couldn't get a good screenshot of the explosion, though. You guys should definitely demand refunds. If you had to pay for this, that is.


Now to leave the secret. I think I have just enough left in me to...


HAURRRAGAUUAGHGGHH! Ugh. Last time I eat Imp guano while on duty.

[Strong Vader]

Funny story, the Red Cross owns the copyright for the white box and red cross on it. And they've been suing videogames about it for years. Guess what? It hasn't worked yet.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Okay, so the zombies and demons and things-that-go-bump-in-the-night killed almost everyone on Earth, reduced its cities to ruins and warped its technology to their own evil purposes, but they left the lightbulbs intact?


This must've been the place I was shooting down into earlier through the cage.


And now, Uzi's Crunchy Flakes, the only cereal that is both sugar coated and chocolate covered, proudly presents: THE RULE OF CONVENIENCE IN ACTION!
Hello, ladies. How are you? Fantastic. I am Uzi-Bazooka, Marine Merchandiser, and I have been asked to give a demonstration of the Rule of Convenience.
Here we have some things I really want. We also have a blue keycard. Now watch as I pick it up.


And hordes of imps come pouring out. Oh, man. I love this part. BANGBANGBANGRATTATATATATKA-BOOM! Oh, yes. BLOOD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!!! HIS TONGUE IS IN MY HANDS!!! OH THE GLORIOUS GORE!! OH DELECTABLE DEATH!!! OHHH MAN!!
This has been a family presentation by Uzi-Bazooka. Tune in next time for Your Demon and You: A guide to Not Getting Eaten.


Right...where was I?


Oh, great. A dark room. I hate these! They're impossible to navigate! If only the game designers had been nice enough to provide a light switch!


Um, what's this?


Y'know, this would've been nice to know BEFORE I had to kill all those CCs (Chubby Commandos.)


(Begins playing Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey)
Duuun...DUUUUUUN...DUUUUUUUUUUUUN (Dun-dun!) Duuun...DUUUUUUN...DUUU


Yeah, that was stupid. I'm just going through this door now.


This must be where the UAC officials oversee off-world shipments of good and supplies, carefully inspecting each one for complete security procedures, as dictated by Section 0-99 of the UAC charter. Or maybe this imp just has a serious cardboard box fetish.


What I'm about to do is widely considered (by me) the weirdest switch-thing that the DooM guys ever put into a video game. I need to get on top of those boxes I showed you earlier to reach the red keycard. I have to do this by lowering the boxes. There's a switch on the wall. It does nothing. But if you step on the little box...


...it lowers them. It's like a double switcharound all up in here.


As soon as I get up I'm attacked by two more imps. This is a really cool picture of me blocking their fireballs...with my face.


Well, I can sleep easy knowing that. Where does this oh-so-secret warp lead?


Back here, apparently. Nothin' new here. Let's go take a look around for something to shove this red keycard into.
(Hey kids! Make your own meaning for that accidental double-entendre, and then share it with your parents! They'll probably love it!)


Here it is. The big one. I reach hesitantly to open the red key door. It opens, and I am left to behold...
Another one?
Here it is. The second big one. I reach hesitantly to open the OTHER red key door. It opens, and I am left to behold...
Holy freaking crap! How many of these are there? And how many of these overly dramatic introductions am I gonna have to do? Sigh...
Here it is AGAIN. I reach ANGRILY to open ANOTHER FREAKING RED KEY DOOR...

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Hey, guys. Turns out, iD is still selling Doom one on their website. Well, I'm going to buy it as a gift for my little brother today, and who knows? Perhaps I'll do an Ultimate Doom: LET'S PLAY one of these days...
But first, I'd better finish this level.

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