ALIENS (possibly predators) *LET'S PLAY* --HIATUS--

[These are my saturdays]

Coming soon...

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

Code:

no one can hear you scream

Spoiler:

[These are my saturdays]

So ok.
My last Lets Play was impeded by the fact that my laptop had no fan. Therefore my laptop caught fire. You should know this. So I had to venture to game stores across the country. Like, seriously, we even have a Babbages here. That company went out of business in 2000. Anyway, I found zilch games I wanted to play. It was all contemporary shlike "Halo" or "Generic Modern Shooter 2." Lame. Where are the cool First Person Shooters like, Blood or Hexen? Oh right those games sucked colossal a**. Mountainous. So then I ended up in a drunken slump under my bed (this happens a lot I don't know why, I don't even drink) and my fingers brushed against a shiny object. A circular disc like one from the elegant, ancient greek sport of discus. that had a heavenly light cast on it by a misplaced lamp. In my creative slump on a treacherous terrain littered with festering crusts and playing cards from several games of "Lazyman's 52 Pickup" I was given a sign from the Game God. I picked up the disk and looked upon the title like moses looking upon the commandments. "awesome" I said, and then I heard the voice of Gaming Shiva utter in a heavenly voice "bullseye"
The game was Aliens Vs Predator.
Okay, I don't want to defy Game Zeus or whatever, so let's burn for broke and get this diesel truckin'





Okay so first I'm greeted with a name. A familiar name. A friendly name. Actually no I hate Fox. What gave them the right to cancel Futurama. Show was better than the Simpsons. Fox also canceled the best Science Fiction show in the history. The title goes without saying. (Firefly.) So you know what, if this game sucks in any way shape or form, I'm going to pipe bomb their studio.



As opposed to Slate Edition and Pyrite Edition I guess. Those ones are for hobos and losers, respectively.



MAIIIIIIIIIIN SCREEEEEEEEN. BONESAWWWWWWW. Yeah good work guys. "Let's make as plain a main screen as possible" "dUR OKAY, wHY NOT," You don't employ people with no creativity in a game design team. Unless they made it boring and uninteresting ironically but I highly doubt they did. Also who makes cheats a BLATANT EFFIN' FEATURE. Fox Games Does. (And That's Terrible.) Also I love how the black bar narrates what the option is. "hEY GUYS LETS ADD A tAUTOLOGY BAR AT THE BOTTOM OF THE sCREEN," "Sounds Great" "YEAH LET'S DO IT." F***ing video game developers; how do they work? (A: With lots of pizza and diet coke.)
I vaguely remember the multiplayer, the Quake Jockeys would play it on lazy saturdays back in '99. But well, Multiplayer is a different element. Besides I would usually end up just playing Quake. Well we were Quake Jockeys. Anyway let's do this.



Okay so you can play all three races, Aliens, Predators and military dudes, but I can imagine wall climbing as the alien will give me a bad case of motion sickness and Predators are just effing lame. So let's go humans, yay race patriotism.



You guys don't care if I play on Medium right? Or are you guys hard up to see me play on "Masochisim Tango" difficulty? No, you aren't, unless you want to see my die every ten minutes.
"Ten years after the Hadley's Hope Incident" I'm going to assume that means the events of Aliens, I don't remember it ever being directly called Hadley's Hope, but the name is familiar. "Massive Biocontainment Error" OH YOU MEAN LIKE TOXIC WASTE. No most likely it's the scientists pet xenomorphs. "Scientific & Civilian personnel evacuation complete" oh hey they forgot the "and a space marine is you so yeah stay here and kill things" they also forgot "ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE SCIENCE TEAM?" Well the science team evacuated but whatever I wanted to reference a meme and I did. The Tautology Bar is still in full swing down there.

Well let's load this shup to the up top.

[Kinda Long Hair]

Disk, I think you might need to get a brain scan.

[These are my saturdays]

I'm loading up the next image set. SO MUCH UPLOADING AND I HAVE TO WRITE A WITTY RESPONSE FOR EVERY IMAGE, IT IS TORTURE.

[These are my saturdays]

ALRIGHTY. GAME START. Like all great Space Operas, this story begins in a bed. Actually how many Space Operas began on an onscreen bed? What is even a Space Opera? Probably just another fancy term for Space Epic. But Space Epic is a fancy term for Science Fiction Story and- AUGH RECURSION. Another thing, why was I sleeping with my gun? Either I'm paranoid as Black Sabbath or I have some bizarre fetish. Jesus, I could have a dream about petting a cat, and stroking its fur will unlock the safety and scratching behind the ear will unleash leaden death upon me. What is this guy I'm playing as thinking?
Well getting down to business, let's survey my room. A see a sink, a mirror, and a door. A door, on the ceiling. Oh no, a architectural mishap! GASP AND BEGAH! Well, that nook over to the left probably has a door in it so no need to fuss, but I will always be wondering what is in that ceiling door. Forever. Time to drunkenly stunble out of bed and go look in the mirror.



Hey it's me, and I'm inexplicably battle ready. "OH SH- PHANTOM ME WILL JUMP OUT OF THE MIRROR ANY MINUTE GOTTA HAVE MY RIFLE READY" Weirdo



STUPID IDIOT, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR



Woah, drunken stunble was right. Looks like my character was smashed. During like, and Alien Outbreak, too. NICE MANAGEMENT SKILLS BRO.



And on my desk is... more alcoholic beverages. Right next to my company files. And what is this drink? Wodka? What other drink has a large "W" emblazoned on it brazenly. I can understand getting drunk before reading important DOCUMENTS though. Might make it an overall more interesting experience.



Well, before I waste more (valuable???) time looking in mirrors like a narcissist or playing with bottles like a drunkard, Let's venture forth to the halls via the MAGIC OF NOOKS. Nooks man, how do they work. Miracles. Or a Wizard did it. Hells Bells if I know, let's blow this joint.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Mr. Diskette: this is the greatest thing I have ever seen. I think that I may very well die laughing. Keep up the good...drinking, apparently.
Also, I am making a smiley for Wodka.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

Wodka, Wodka, don't you wanta? Wodka, Wodka, don't you wanna?
Yeah, I know that they're small and blurry. They have to be that small to become a smily. Anyway, you can just BARELY make out the W.

[These are my saturdays]

Don't worry, I'll be banging out updates as I get more pictures taken. KEEP WATCH, MEN

[Strong Vader]

Good job, Yahtzee Jr.

[These are my saturdays]

Well here I am. In the NOOK. Eh, it is almost as cool as I imagined. But there is a door! AHA! The Magic of nooks never fail. never fail. what is even is out there though? Enemies??? Maybe this game will shift from First Person Looker to First Person Shooter. I can hear the pulse rifle whispering "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeads!" It is a headhunter. Blar. Anyway, this door is kind of weird. It looks like the right side should be the bottom side, as if some mischievous dude in this facility decided to lock me in a room by flipping my door sideways. But no the door is just made to look weird. The people who design the buildings on this planet are real jerks with some kind of obsession with biomechanisms and useless architecture.
This next room is really dark... Dark enough to use...



FLARES! MY EFFECTIVE SOLDIERS AGAINST THE DECIET OF DARKNESS. Hey look someone put a TV out in the middle of the hall, so you won't miss the new Doc Who episode while you push crates around. How thoughtful. Also, why is it dark? Did they shut off the power when they evacuated? AND WHY DID THEY LEAVE ME HERE?! I was obviously living here with the scientists, I just left my room! They decided to just leave me here? What holes. I hope an Alien got on their escape craft and then they go "SOMEONE SHOOT IT" and they're like, "we left the only bada** dude with a gun back at the base for no reason." And then they all get harvested. EAT THAT SCIENCE. Let's go catch up to Flarey the Flare. Dude's like the effin' Flash



Sniff... burn away my bright star, I'll remember youuuuuuuuu. Yeah flares only last about sixteen seconds. Which is a bit unrealistic. I guess it adds a challenge to the game??? Who knows. It's Fox. Anyhoo, let's check out that NOOK to the left thar.




'Nother Dark corridor that needs BLINDING LIGHT RAINED DOWN UPON IT BY MY STARRY WARRIORS. I think I have unlimited flares, but only four are allowed to be burning at a time. More erie red lightbulbs here, too. WHY RED. Red light sucks for illumination. Really. I know what company built this place. Jacka** Architecture Union Co. Inc. tm. Jacka**es.



"HEY WHEN WE CUT THE POWER LETS LEAVE THE SECURITY CAMERAS RUNNING, SO THEY CAN SUPPLY LIVE FEED TO THE EMPTY MONITORING STATION!" "gREAT IDEA," God I hate everyone involved with and in this game. Besides the bottle of Wodka. And My character. And my flares. And possibly this rifle if he proves his awesomery with a display of... well, awesomery. Let's-a progress-a down-a the hall-a.



Well there is a locked exit and this glass protected switch. OKAY. Why would the exit require you to BREAK THE GLASS EVERY TIME YOU WANTED TO LEAVE THIS SECTION. Jacka** Architecture in motion. These guys are master pranksters and they make money screwing you over daily. I also like how the sign there shows a man holding a shiv that is EXPLODING. Man, why don't I have an exploding knife? Sh** would be OFF THE HOOK. "Hey alien I will stab you" "OH NO HE'S GOING TO STAB US" "Have at thee!" "HAHAHA THAT DIDN'T KILL ME" "But then I press a button and the knife causes and explosion!" "CURSE THIS FRIGHTENING INNOVATIOOOOOON!" Jesus, Michael Bay, Steven Speilberg? Go get a pen you should be take some effin notes here. But I only have this rifle, let's see if it can break ribbed glass. The strongest of all glasses I have encountered so far.



Yeah bro! Kick that Glass A**! Okay pulse rifle, you prooved the justice of your culture. You have earned a name!

But what will you be named?

>(enter name)

[Uzi-Bazooka]

>Captain Felonious V. Tyger VII_

What does it have to do with weaponry? NOT A BLEEDIN' THING! Which therefore makes it...(come on, say it with me:)
IRONIC!!

Oh, and you've been playing for a good, like, ten minutes now and haven't seen any aliens OR any predators. I find that...boring as heck, actually.

[Falcon Paunch]

>Raphael

(Yeah, no idea why.)

[Strong Vader]

>Zoosmell Pooplord_

>Manfred von Richtofen_

[These are my saturdays]

Your name is Captain Raphael von Richtofenlord VII...

Wait that is a terrible name.

Your name is obviously HARRISON.

[These are my saturdays]

about the "no aliens and predators yet is boring." 1. Blame Fox. 2. I have walked all of 25 feet so far and it hasn't been ten minutes, it's been forty five seconds to two minutes. Around that range. On level 1. I wouldn't expect much until the 1000 foot marker.

Update in a bit.

[Uzi-Bazooka]

I wait with baited bread (no, that's not a misspelling-I'm planning on going fishing while I wait.)

[These are my saturdays]

Okay, so obviously the vigorous lead assault by Harrison on the button unlocked the door. It's like Metroid. Doors are AWESOME if you have to shoot them open. Only one problem is, unlike Samus, I don't have a magical gun with recharging batteries. I have a gun that shoots bullets. So ok, Plus 100 points for style but minus ten billion for practicality. Let's go adventure into this... nook.



Well it leads to a stairway with a black portal at the end. Maybe I have found the entrance to hell. Maybe I found the Twilight Zone. Maybe I'll find some enemies. Let's go on a magical journey to find out. Death will be our emerald city.



No it's more strange architecture. I'm beginning to see some patterns here.
Let's all go to the railing... let's all go to the raaailing



Dark. Might means light. And I feel mighty! Well I am considering hopping down, but I don't know if this is one of those games where falling damage means something or it's just a tickle. Recalling my previous adventure (looking in the mirror in my room) I wasn't wearing very much armor, and I don't know what "100 Armor" rounds to in pain resistance. I'm going to progress along the side of the balcony instead.



Wait sh** these guys are retarded... Why would they keep...



...Effin' alien eggs in the sides of an observation area? Even if the glass is bullet proof, the facehuggers would burn through. If you've seen the first movie you know that the little buggers can burn through glass strong enough to endure the vacuum of space just by latching onto it. MY GOOOOOOOOD WHYYYYYYY. This is why they evacuated isn't it. This is why. And they left me here, alone, to clean up their mess. AAUAUAUGUAGH. If in the second movie, only one of the high tech marines sent to exterminate the bugs survived, why would they leave ONE to fight the aliens. ONE. The mission title card SAID this was TEN YEARS after the Hadley's Hope incident. YOU'D THINK THEY'D FIX THEIR MISTAKES. FFFFFFFFFFFFF. Well, I guess I just have to be A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO EXTERMINATE THE ALIENS. I'll start with these eggs.



Yep bullet proof glass. If they started hatching wouldn't you want to be able to kill them without making it a federal effing issue to get the panes off? I mean the huggers will burn through the glass either way. You'd want to be able to kill them fast and in a pinch.
Maybe the science team was AFRAID THEY'D STEP ON THE BROKEN GLASS.



Well, at least I found an elevator. Without railings strangely. You put railings on the stationary panels but NOT the moving elevator? pfffffffff. Something is coming through on those computers.



It's some guy with the douchiest face ever yelling at me about airlocks and egg labs. Oh wait he said the eggs are sterilized. Well, I guess my rant was a little uncalled for now. Still this guys face. It's like Micheal Cera's face had a baby and that baby fell in a vat of toxic waste. Then if found a beret. Well he said to go pull an override switch, so let's go find a elevator switch. Blues Clues style.

blues clues it's blues cluuuuues.



That wasn't very hard to find.



Okay so it closed the door NEXT to where I shot the switch. Why didn't I go out that way? Was it locked? I never even CHECKED. Well, I guess I had an overwhelming desire to break that glass. Maybe I was distracted by the exploding knife diagram. Well no big deal really. I wasted a bit of Harrison's ammo but he wouldn't even be Harrison if I hadn't of done that.



Also it opened the door on the opposite side.



Okay though the newly opened door was three connected hallways that lead to this door. I didn't post those pictures because nothing notable happened and it would be hard to talk about anything to do with them that would be interesting. Anyway it all led up to this door, which is the door to the egglab sir doucheface mc beret was talking about.



Okay, I know that these eggs are sterilized...



But I want to shoot them anyway. (There are several other pictures of me shooting eggs that I purposely omitted)



Okay, since it was particularly dark in here, I thought I'd try out my night vision goggles. While I go cannibalize the ammo from these guns on the wall. It seems like someone would take the guns if they were evacuating from an alien outbreak.


Wait.

There is no alien outbreak is there? The eggs are sterile, VideoDouche said nothing about being careful. The "MASSIVE BIOCONTAINMENT FAILURE" probably had nothing to do with aliens. There are no aliens are there. They just forgot to wake me up so I need to get out of here.



OORRRRRR SOMETHING MIGHT GO WRONG.



Okay, I went down a hallway to the right of the rifles on the wall. (I took 15 clips magazines from the guns on the wall. Where did they keep all of them????) And I turned off the Night vision, or "Image Intensifier" as it is apparently called. It was giving me a headache just looking through it. I'll keep to the flares. Anyway I found the airlock, so I guess I should get on out of here. Wait I'm not wearing a space helmet will I die if I don't have a-



Too late. Well, let's get out into the open. The airlock is going through the lengthy process of opening the first door, closing the first door, opening the second door, closing the second door. On the other side of door three is probably outdoors.

[These are my saturdays]

Okay, I'm outside I guess. It doesn't look like it though, it looks like another dark room that needs to be flared. Guy Le Douche is prattling away about something over there. But I really don't care what he has to say. He really doesn't tell me anything I don't already know, he tells me to go to the airlock and sh- but I really could have figured that out myself. I play Doom. Anyway let's let flare the flares.



It looks like another gorram wall. In a corridor. Where I've spent 100 percent of the game so far. I need some more flares.
Okay this is not shaped like a wall and it is on a hill.



Oh.



It's a.... it's a space ship. More like space tumor amirite. I always thought this ship looked weird [when I saw it in Alien,] but that's a given since it was designed by HR EFFING GIGER.

Spoiler:

Yeah, that HR GIGER.



Looks like a plug. I am imagining a gigantic vacuum being brought out by a bunch of elephant-like aliens and they plug it into their ship and they vacuum this HUGE rug. Also they are smiling large elephant alien smiles. It is amazing.



Well I am getting the heels away from that thing. Remember the scene where John Hurt got a face full of alien wing wong? I don't want to suffer this fate. Mostly because I don't like John Hurt but also because alien rape isn't cool, kids.

stay in school.



At the top of the elevator, Sir Doucheson (No relation to Harrison) is blabbing about something or other. I don't care. Something about movement or other. Yeah genius me, I'm moving. I'm causing movement.



Oh hey there is something on my motion tracker hey wait...



What is that is it an


JESO CHRISTO ON A FLYING HOBO SNACK MOBILE



Aww sh**sh**sh**sh**sh**sh**sh**sh**sh**sh**sh**sh**sh**sh**sh**



OH YEAH MONKEY YOU BETTER HOP DOWN BEFORE I GO MEDIEVAL ON YOUR FREUDIAN HEAD LET'S ROCK



Oi. One [1] alien cost me five [5] health, twelve [12] armor, and 23 bullets. ONE ALIEN. God I hope that was the only alien.



"HEY HUN COME GIT THE CAMERA I GOTS ME ONE O DEMS WIDE MOUTH BASS CRITTERS"
"NO PA THATS A BUG CREATURE FROM PLANET MARS, YOU BETTA CALL UP THEMS THERE NEWWWSPAPERS"
This thing is still twitching why is it twitching I don't like twitching, Harrison do you know how much I hate twitching yes you do do something about it.



Yes do that.

Suck it down, bug.

Spoiler:

[Strong Vader]

You should be the next Yahtzee guy. Or join the Unskippable guys.

[These are my saturdays]

This is the antithesis of entertainment. This is like, torturous forced watching of a terrible video game (THAT I AM LOVING SO MUCH, I'M SERIOUS THIS IS THE BEST GAME I HAVE PLAYED IN 4 MONTHS.)

[Uzi-Bazooka]

This is isn't torturous. It's hilarious! And sometimes the two are hard to differentiate...

[These are my saturdays]

Let's take a peek into the future of this Let's Play.

Spoiler:

[These are my saturdays]

Let's go on down the hall. Away from my encounter in the hall. Okay that air vent up there. Holy Sh**. I know, FOR A FACT, That some squiggly-a** Xenobi*** will pop the eff out and eat my juicy head while I check my ammo or sommat. They wouldn't PUT THE NOOK THERE AND EAT UP PROCESSING POWER FOR NO REASON. I definitely leopold.



It's another one of those circular observation rooms. More Teevees in this one. Man why can't there be more TEEPEES. I mean jesus. Those things are BANANAS. I want to live in one. f*** fighting aliens. From now on, I'm finding sh** to build meself a teepee.



Oh god. Douchenysus is GOING DOWN.



DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!



What a di-



JESUS HE IS EVERYWHERE



Okay I am getting the heels outta thit ploice. (I am looking toward the place I left the room from so yew goiys don geet confoosed ware I em goink to en frowm.) Just another NON DESCRIPT CORRIDOR IN A NON-DESCRIPT FACILITY. What's worse? The fact that everything is designed POORLY or everything is designed BORING. PLEHHHHHH.



Okay, so I reach a fork in the corridor. This is the place that separates the men from the boys. Oh god. I'll go.................RIGHT. Because it is the RIGHT way to go RIGHT at the RIGHT way because it is the RIGHT way to go. Right. Riiiiiiight. Also the RIGHT way isn't EFFING DARK. Look at the place to the north. AMBER LIGHTING. There is probably xenomorphs and shady drug dealers in there.



OH SH**. You guys suck. Both ways are REALLY DARK. Well I already chose the right way. So let's see around the corner he-



AAAAAAUUUUUUghhh

[Uzi-Bazooka]

You guys probably don't realize how hard it is to get these screenshots. I keep dying in Doom II because I'm photographing the monsters instead of actually SHOOTING THEM.

[These are my saturdays]

I'm just REALLY GOOD AT THIS

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