Homestar Runner and the Quest for the Iron Cup

[Kinda Long Hair]

Okay, a fan-fic based on "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

Characters:
: King Star
: Sir Pom Pom the Brave
: Sir Strong Sad the Depressing
: Sir Coach Z the Creepy
: Sir Bubs the Rip Off
: Senor the Enchanter
: Pattsy
: The Black Knight
& The Knights who Say Combo Meal [later The Knights Who Say Spicy Crispy Chicken Melt]
: The monster of Aaaaaaauuugughgh
: The French Taunters
: The killer the cheat

And the apply named:
Homeschool: Sir not-appearing-in-this-fan fic.

Chapter 1
We open in to Free Country USA, 932 AD. On a baron hill we sees Homestar and Pattsy come "riding" up the hill. Well, pattsy is just hitting a cocunut against his head, but you get the idea. They aproach a castle.

:Hewo.
...
:Hewwwwooooooo!!!!!!
: Hrm, what?
:Greetings good sir! I am your king!
: Uh, whatever you say man.
:I request that you give me room for the night, and hay for my horses!
:Uh, what horses?
:The ones I WODE here on!
: Dahaahha, It's the newest invention!
...
: Where did you get thoses coconuts?
: Whaaaat?!?!
: Where did you get those coconuts? They only grow in that island!
: It doesnt matter!
: How'd you get em?
: dahaha, fallen from the skies above!
: We found 'em!
: But they're tropical! Free Country USA is in a temperate zone!
: Well, biwds fly south and come back north!
...
: Uh, are you telling me coconuts migrate?
: Yes I am!
: ... bwahahahahahaha!
: I've lost my patience! Come, Patsy!
: I do as I'm told.

And with that, they ride off, with Strong Bad still rolling in laughter.

[Kinda Long Hair]

In a forest, where few people tred, Our hero and Pattsy come riding upon a bridge. They halt, as two men are locked in a duel.

:You cannot win! You ae just a kid! Maybe when you're older!
:I can be the guy! Watch me be the guy!
:You cannot defeat me! Dooooouuuuuble Duuuuuuueeeece!!!!!!!!
:Ah! My style!

The challenger collapses, and our hero and Pattsy aproach the victor.

:You fight quite well, brave guy!
:It's cause I'm the guy!!!
:course it is! Would you like to join me in Camelot?
Tis the pride of the peaches!
Ahahah! You are dumb. Ahahahaha!
:I take that as a no. Come, Pattsy! Step aside good sir person!
:None can pass!
What?
:What, I have to spell it out for you?!?! None. Can. Pass. This means you.
:Um, hewo! We have to pass!
:Than.... Doubleeeeeeee DUEEEEECEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
....
Um, what was that?
:Nooooo! My powers fail me!!!!
Come Pattsy!!!
:Off to the yellow brick road.

Patts and Homestar walk past the man, who yells after them.

:No! Come back! I have to challenge you! I'll think of something! Come baaaaaaack!

[Kinda Long Hair]

As they ride past yon black knight, they come upon a town where the townsfolk are arguing over weather or not a person is a witch.

:You guys, I'm not a witch!
:Shut up, woman! I can think of about ten things that would prove you're a witch!
:Like what?
:Gimmie a moment, I cant think up ten things right off the bat!

And so they go to the town leader, where they ask him about the witch.

:Hey you! You with the face! Do you think this person is a witch?
:Does it all really matter since we are all doomed anyways?
:You see! I told them that and... hey, what?
:You know, I guess I never really thought about that....
:You should just go home and live out the rest of your miserable lives in peace.
:Oh man! What a total downer!

Our hero approaches the strange, depressing elephant man.

:You handled that pretty good, monsterm'n! Would you like to join me?
:Really?!?! This is the happiest day of my life!
:Hey, can I join too?
...
:Sure thing, stupid!
:I feel so fine! I feel so elated! I feel so fine!

And so, two members have joined this band, many would follow: Pom Pom the brave and Coach Z the creepy would join them latter. Together they would form a band who's deeds would be retold throughout the century: The Knights of the somewhat Square-shaped Table.

[Kinda Long Hair]

The group arrives at the castle.
: Look! It's the castle!
: It's buuurtifel!

They stand in awe whilst those inside sing to "The Knights of the Round Table" The Cheat danced a jig whilst sporting armor, and Strong Mad sang

: UMMMM... WE... BREAK STUFF!

With that, Strong Mad pulled out a glass bottle and threw it. The music stopped with the sound of a record scratching.

: No juys, we don't want to go there
: DaAaAaAah, man hole for the fatso.
: He's right! It's the King of Town's domicile!
: Dang man, we better leave quick!

As they attempt to ride off, The King of Town runs out and stops them

: Gentlemen! Won't you stay for dinner? It' Awww Gratin' potatoes tonight!
: {bubbles}
: Im gonna have to agree with Pom Dawg. We have to wash our hair.
: But I did last month!
...
: Coach, do you ever say anything that isn't creepily shower related?
: Showers ain't creepy! They're the temple of all that is moist.
: Im just gonna pretend I didn't here that!
: Well anyways, I was wondering if you could look for my Iron Cup. I lost it aught fifty years ago, and I kinda want it back.
: No. No way. Um no way! Let us be off!
: DaAaAaAaAaAhm one after nine-oh-nine!

As they walk away, the King yells something after them.

: I forgot to tell you, there's a reward!
: What kind of reward?
: It's a secret! If you return it to me, you'll all get something!
: Zounds goot to me!
: {bubbles}
: It's been decided than! We shall quest for the Iron Cup!

The group of knights leave, concrete in their quest that will not only give them riches beyond their dreams, but give this story a plot!

[Kinda Long Hair]

And so it was decided, that they should split up. They could do more damage that way. Homestar and Pom Pom when into the wastelands, Strong Sad went alone into the plains, and Coach Z and Bubs went off into the dark and expensive forest. As they travled on, Bubs and Coach Z came up to a clearing.

Welcome to the knights who say combo meal, how may I help you?
Eh, Steve!
: 'Oly Gorsh!
: So what could we do, to maybe get through.
: Hey, dat some good rhyme! We should cut a demo!
: Yeah, shut up, kid. Anyways, ways to get through.
: That'll be one bush, please pull forward to the drive-through window.
Eh, bush!
: Alright, we'll get your bursh.
I know where we can get one, cheap!

LATER...

: We got you guys a bush!
: I had to sell my delicate frilly undergarments just to do so!
: What? I thought you said that you were selling cool daggers and stuff!
We're sorry, but the offer is now closed. Can the knights who say spicy crispy chicken melt help you?
Eh, Melt!

: So, what do you juys want now?
: Most prices cost a second bush. Would you like to cut down the tallest tree with a kid's toy?
Eh, Herring!
What? How are we supposed to cut down trees with child-safe plastic crap?

That would be a difficult jorb, all right!
Eh, Weakness!
Please stop talking at the second drive through window.
: Wort? Wort am I doing wrong? I'm just saying jorb!
: My second weakness can be located at the sound of the words.
Eh, words!
I suggest you let us pass, or I'll have him say jorb...
Oh, Steve!
...and, um, "wort" some more.
: Good rhymes! We should cut a-
: Shut yo face!

With that, Eh! Steve and the Whale slid over to the side.

Please pull forward to the second drive-through window!

[Kinda Long Hair]

While Coach Z and Bubs continued on their way, Strong Sad also went. He brought along a minstrel loaned to him by the King.

: Can you play something more depressing?
: And always look on the bright side of life! Always look on the right side of life! Lifes a piece of-
: No! You know what I mean!
: Bravely bold Sir Strong Sad, rode forth onto the quest. He was not afraid to die, no brave Sir Strong Sad. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave brave brave brave Sir Strong Sad. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Strong Sad.
: That is depressing!

They soon came upon a three-headed spider.

: Yah, we are the taranchula! What does you vant?
: To fight!
: No. I think we should live the rest of or miserable lives in peace.

Soon the heads began to argue with one another.

(head 1) : Should ve let him pass?
(head 2) : No, ve've got un reputation to hold up
(head 3) : No! I say we kill him!

While the heads argued amongst themself, Strong Sad retreated.

:Brave Sir Strong Sad ran away, ran away away. When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. Yes brave Sir Strong Sad turned about and gallantly he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. The bravest of the brave, Sir Strong Sad!!
: No! I just thought it was stupid that we would have to kill to continue on our quest! Why can't we just all be peaceful!

And with that, Sir Strong Sad rode onwards.

[Kinda Long Hair]

After a while, Strong Sad, Bubs, Coach Z, and the minstrel regrouped with Homedog and Pomdog in the wastelands. At the reunion there was much rejoicing.

:Hooway!
: {bubble}
: Ho hum
:DaAaAaAh happiest I've ever been
: Yeah
: Yoy
: Yay

After spending a few days in the wilderness, they had to eat Strong Sad's minstrel. And there was much rejoicing.

:Hooway!
: {bubble}
: Ho hum
:DaAaAaAh happiest I've ever been
: Yeah
: Yoy

While they wondered, they ran into a strange man. He was behind a bush, mumbling.

:Excuse me sir... or madam.
:Carlgeena, monteljohn.
:DaAaAaAahm Non-sequiter champion.
:What is it they call you?
:Name the say is... Senor?
: DaAaAaAaAh No habla espanol!
:Say young man, say young man, say young man young man young man. Do you know these parts well?
:Like the back of my wrist pocket
:Then would you mind besing our guide?
:Im In chanter
:He's an enchantor! Just what we need!
Why do we need this guy! I know where we could get one cheep!
: But I'm outta things to sell!
: {bubbles}
:He's right! He'll have to do!
:Step right onto there.

And with their new guide, they quested onwards, certain the the prize was within the grasp.

[Kinda Long Hair]

As they quested on, they came upon a cave.

: There lies the yellow dog.
: Yellow Dog?
: Like The Chort?
: ahem!
: Oh, sarry. The CH EEEEEEEEYURT
: The times no laffin matter. Come along down now.

At just that moment out crawled... A RABID THE CHEAT!

: AHH! So terrifying!!

And so launched the attack on the beast, but all attempts failed. In a last ditch effort, they tried something else...

:Strong Sad! Why don't you recite a poem!?

: Okay!

And so it began....

Ah love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams
So various, so beautiful, so-

: STOP STOP STOP man! I can't take it anymore!
: {bubbles}
: Amen to THAT!
: DahAaAaAats cruel and unusual painment!
: But it worked! Ahoy! The foul beast has died!
: He was bored to death? Im not that bad!
: No the poem wasn't bad, but your breath is stank.
: Amen!
: Real real bad!
...
: If you can't handle the flavor, get a different colognac.

And so, with the path cleared, they quested into the dark chasms of the cave.

[Kinda Long Hair]

As they entered the dankest, darkest reaches of the cave, they came upon some ancient fence drawings.

: I say there! What doth these words mean?
: Camb't gone post hair.
: And uhh.. what exactly is that supposed to mean?
: Teh monster cometh in the nigh.
: Oh Oh OHHHH! I get it!
....
: Homestar, would you care to elaborate?
....
: What!?
: Nevermind.

About that time, people. Out of the darkness came non other than... TROGDOR THE BURNiNATOR. It chased them through miles upon miles of the caverns, when they decided to halt and make a stand. But, as they stopped, Trogdor came and devoured Senor Cardgage. However, this gave them the chance to search for anything to use.

: Patsy, let me see my satchel. Im nearly sure I have something in there!
: Dahh feel safer everyday!
: Let's see here. TrogSword... nope. Bazooka... nope. MP40... nope. Authentic Taranchula-Brand Dragon Poison (TM)... are you even allowed to have this? Isn't that copyright infridgerator, or something?
: DaHaHahaHaAhdon't care as long as we live!

And so they continued running, but right as it seemed hopeless, the Chaps had a child, and the animating stopped. Rendering the foul beast gone. They exited the caverns and came upon... a bridge of death.

[Sponsored content]